A few days ago we lost a great coworker and a friend, Carlos Gonzales. He died suddenly of a heart infection and organ failure. He would have been 33 years old on July 17th. (See my last post for more information)
I deal with death a little bit different then most people. I tend to block it out and go on with the day. Then, something happens days, months, and even years later (Like a memory or a thought) and I loose it for a moment… bush it off and get back to it. Don’t get me wrong I cried with every loss in my life… (And still a tear falls down my cheek thinking about loved ones, friends and even pets).
Maybe its because I grew up without any deaths around me. Maybe its because I am an only child and most of my feelings either came out all at once ( Like anger or joy) or were left quiet for me to deal with and process on my own (Like sadness and hurt). My mother will shed a tear and move on… my dad cracks jokes and moves on…I’m quiet and shut it out…For whatever the reason that’s just my way of dealing with things.
I don’t always have the words to say to people. I am a people pleaser and in my heart I want to make everyone around me happy or fix problems. Especially if they aren’t my own. When it comes to loss and comfort… I have nothing to say. Phrases like “He’s in a better place” or “Sorry for your loss” or “it was their time” don’t seem to grasp the emotions that one feels after a loss. Nothing I can say or do can fix anything… so I am left quiet. My heart hurts for loved ones that are left behind… but nothing I say to them seems right…so I am quite and stand by and be there for them.
So in ending… Carlos, you made a difference. You were the office clown, the one that got the job done, and the heart of the those around you. You will be missed by everyone. I wish you had more time to joke around and make everyone around you smile… but I am lucky to have known you.