I don’t claim to be an expert on marriage or love or relationships. I just know that ours works. Sometimes it’s rocky, sometimes is easy, sometimes I just want to scream or throw a shoe at him. Most of the time I just want to cuddle and watch Netflix or take a drive somewhere new.
Tyler and I have been together for over 12 years. In this day 12 years might as well be a lifetime. I honestly know only a few couples that have been together for as long as we have. One of those couples just happens to be my parents who celebrated their 40th year anniversary in June. Their marriage, in my eyes, was always great. Growing up I always knew that they loved me and each other. I often would come around the corner and see then hugging and smiling to each other. Sure, they had their little fights and arguments, but they always worked everything out eventually.
Our relationship is anything but prefect. I would like to say that we never fight or that any issues just magically go away but that’s just not true. From early on in our dating relationship it almost seem like our relationship was doomed. We kind of had a Romeo and Juliet thing going on with his parents. Long story short it ended up with his mom saying, “It’s her or us…and if you walk out don’t come back” which Tyler responded “bye” as he grabbed my hand and we walked out the door. At that point we only knew each other for 4 months. I had a similar thing with my friends and in the end, I though, I either have to listen to them of take the leap and follow my heart.
We moved in together shortly after and that first year was rough. I mean rough. I honestly don’t know why we didn’t give up and just walk away…Our fights were ugly, mean, and I would be lying if I said I never threw shoes (or other objects) at him from time to time. But though it all we always managed to cool off, come together and work it out. After the first year things settled down. We got married. Bought a house. Added some dog, cats, and turtles. Then eventually had kids.
Again, I am no expert, but I believe all successful marriages have to have these key support blocks in order to work, function, and survive.
Being best friends
Tyler is my best friend. I can talk to him, tell him everything, keep his secrets and just enjoy spending time with him. All great relationships have to have a friendship element. Someone you can talk to. Someone you have a history with. Someone you can share a hug or a cry with. Someone who is just there for you. After all it feels like I have a messy roommate rather than a husband. Finding quality time together is very importation.
Whether it’s going to Walmart or just watching TV I want to be around him. Just spend time with him. I guess it also helps that one of my love languages is Quality Time.
We all heard crazy teenagers on 16 and pregnant say how having a baby should bring us closer…Unfortunately for them it doesn’t work that way. Yes, I feel that having kids has brought us closer together but not in the way you would think. Let me explain. Bringing home a baby for the first time is very new and scary. No one really knows what to do. All you know is that you have to keep this thing alive. Tyler and I had to work together to figure things out. We understood that at a certain point we would both have to get up in the middle of the night to feed and change the baby. As kids grow up you have to work together on coming up with discipline styles and house rules that fit the child and family. Then working together to make a family budgets to figure out how your going to afford daycare and school. Working together to figure out solutions will bring you closer together.
Now you don’t have to have a baby to learn how to work together. I just used that as a high stress in it together example. Working together on problems, solutions, game, or planning events will help form a stronger bond. Yes, there will be little spats but in the end of you learn how to be a team. How to support one another and what your roles and strengths are.
Let the small things go
Does it make you money or does it make you happy? If the answer is “no” then it doesn’t matter. This isn’t true in every situation but then it comes to compromise or letting things go it does. Some things are not worth the fight. I’m talking about the little arguments that really do not matter. Its really the little fights that will turn into a big deal. For example: “Did you take the trash out” can turn into “You never do anything around here” “You’re worthless” “I do everything” “Why am I even married” … you get the picture. Figuring out what the little trigger is avoiding it or working around it will help out. No one really wants to take out the trash but maybe asking “Would you mind taking out the trash while I do dishes” better way to avoid and argument.
When I say trust, I mean trust 100%. My father would tell me that he trusted me 100%. If I ever broke that trust it would take a long… long time to earn it back. Know that made me think twice about lying or getting into big trouble.
Great relationships have 100% trust. I have to trust Tyler with everything from money to being faithful. I will get to the faithful part later. Tyler and I both work full time jobs. He pays for half the bill and I pay the other half. He knows that if I every found a late bill or a notice of the utilities being shut off I would be upset since I trusted him to handle things. If for whatever reason things were tight he knows that he can talk to me and we will work things out together. The same goes the other way.
I also have emotional trust. I trust that if I tell him something important we will not laugh or get upset. We would work it out together.
Being confident in yourself
If you don’t love yourself…how to you expect other to love you? In high school we were all awkward teenagers with zits and body issues but as we grew up we started to figure out who were we and embrace ourselves. Yes, there are still things that I might change in my looks since I’m pass 30…but I know that I am beautiful in my own way. I know that I am a good mom because my kids are happy and health. I might not be super mom, but I do the best I can for my family. That confidence that I have reflects outward. Tyler sees it, my friends, see it, and my kids see it.
Back to faithful thing… Tyler works for Direct TV and he is in people’s homes a lot. A lot of time he is in multimillion dollar homes with “desperate housewives”. It would be very easy for me to get insecure and wonder where he was or who his talking to. It would drive me nuts. I trust him to be faithful because he knows and see that I am not only beautiful and smart in his eyes…but that I am his…and only his.
One thing that attracted me to Tyler was his confidence. He might not be the perfect Magic Mike Tyler guy, but he is my perfect guy. His confidence and how he holds himself and lifts up those around him it what makes me attracted to him. The same goes for me. I know that in Tyler’s eyes I am his 10. I work in a very male dominated field, but I never once would think about cheating. I love my husband for who he is for me and who he is for our family.
Embrace the imperfections
Life is not perfect. People are not perfect. So why does marriage have to be perfect. There are things Tyler and I struggle with and have to work though. There are times when things do not go the way we plan. There are times when money is tight, and stress is high, but though it all we get though it together. We learn from the imperfect moments and grow together. We embrace each other imperfections and work around it. Sometime the imperfect moments become funny stories later.
I’m not a marriage expert and I don’t think that every relationship is perfect. Most relationships can work out if both partners are willing to work though the tough times and laugh though the fun time. With a lot of faith, trust, time, and work a relationship can get stronger and last 50+ years.